Alabama Fans: The Britney Spears of College Football

By J. Henderson

This is the scene I literally ran home from Jordan-Hare in time to see.

John Elway, Jr., jubilant, sweaty, charging the man-pile of jugular-speared victory, one throw, first down, touchdown victory, adding himself, another cell, growing the organism, the tumor if you will. Celebrant after celebrant, the tumor inside the Vishnu of Sabania grows and doubles and triples upon itself. The news is shocking.

Diagnosis: mortal. How long doctor? How long until number 13? We were supposed to be married in January, we were going to have kids…

Girls cry in the stands. Men rage, angry at the universe, their breath wet and stupid. They were never supposed to lose again. Ever. Arkansas proved that.

And then comes the debris.

They hurl and heave and expel their disillusionment in the angry toddler mode of cups, ice, nachos and the more statutory and deadly whiskey bottles. No they scream, no!!! Saban yesterday, Saban now, Saban tomorrow, Saban forever!!! Hail Saban, Hail Saban, Hail Saban!!

One of Finebaum’s first callers yesterday, an Alabama fan, announced that this technical criminality was actually a statement and display of Crimson solidarity, or “showing the world that we don’t take losing lightly.”

Another Bammer called to scold him. And good for him. But he added:

“I know what all the Auburn fans out there are thinking, that’s just Alabama, but no Paul, it’s not…”

Yes, it is. In fact, Saturday’s game against Georgia marks the second game in six in which Sabanabama fans have drawn national attention for attempting to injure their team’s victorious opponents. AU’s Chris Browder dodges one of many cups hurled from Bama student section last year. A bottle hit David Irons in the eye.(Auburn players were likewise pelted after defeating the Saban Tide for the 5th straight time last year in Tuscaloosa.) Other people called, all present in Bryant-Denny, one reporting a bizarre flurry of racial slurs coming from the Alabama student section and directed at the Georgia players as they warmed up – maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t, another describing a sign hung outside a fraternity house across from the stadium which read: “Like Michael Vick we’re going to kill the Dawgs.” The throwing, the maybe slurs, the signs – these are not Crimson Neck sidewalk alumni. These are students. This is Sabanbama football.

This is a complete break from reality.

Here is a quote from Tuesday’s Paul Finebaum show, from a regular caller irate at Saban for not benching John Parker Wilson during Saturday’s game:

Caller: “I keep trying allude to this other coach we had [Bryant], I hate to keep going back to him, but I guarantee he would have made a [quarterback] change by now.”

Finebaum: “And what coach is that?”

Caller: “Well, he’s [Bryant] the one who was coaching thirty years ago, twenty five years ago… before the goobers got into it and finally Coach Saban got here and kinda saved us…”

3 wins, 1 loss. Losing record to Auburn, to UAB. “Kinda saved us.” Desperation. Dementia. $ABAN.

A headline in the Sunday “Huntsville Times” read: “Miracles Suddenly Cease for Tide.” Miracles?

What is wrong with these people? Did you see their faces? What is wrong with them? They thought they were going to win it all – the SEC, the National Championship. They think that Nick Saban is some $4,000,000 magic angel. Their coeds decorate their bosoms not to spell out the name of a player or even the name of the team – they paint S-A-B-A-N.

3 wins, 1 loss, S-A-B-A-N. Losing record to Auburn, to UAB, S-A-B-A-N.

Best theory currently going around as to the inspiration behind Mike Patrick’s seemingly random reference to Britney Spears current train wreck of an existence during the UA / UGA broadcast? An audience pan that captured “the Bama Twins“. Unconfirmed, but believable.

They are the Sabanation. They have printed the shirts. They wear them. They are proud. They are no longer the University of Alabama, they are the University of Saban, and they are proud. Sabanabama. The Crimson Saban. Roll Saban. Hail Saban. XSabanX. Saban on a cross. Saban lives in our hearts. What Would Saban Saban?

How can they be this way?

How can citizens of Tuscaloosa breathe for all the desperate, pathetic irony they have shoved down their own throats trying to fill the empty belly of their lives? As Auburn fans, we’ve marveled at this for years, but now more than ever.

I want to find out. And so I hereby announce plans to expose and examine the capital I irony that is Crimson Saban football in an upcoming series called “And it is called Bamah.” Or maybe just one post. Something. It will take some time but will hopefully be worth it.

Thank you John Elway, Jr — for now.

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