God Bless Us, Everyone

Please, Tiny Tim, please. Tear them apart. Do what you can do. Split them in two. Please.

Go Gators.

4 million hits!

The brain trust at the Capstone Report have labeled us demagogues. It feels really good. And they typed “impuissance.”

Million dollar coach, million dollar band, million dollar word (used incorrectly) – Bama fans be rollin‘… out of the woodwork and into our comments! Hit after hit, comment after comment. You’d think we were giving away Sabanphetamine.

All because I said Nick Saban was their coach.

Nothing has ever generated more response.

I mean, I told them we hated them, but like ‘rtr’ pointed out, duh.

I told them that they would be cool with Nick Saban’s particular style of icing a kicker.* And they are.

I told them that they would be cool with the announcement that Nick Saban cursed his players for not running up the score enough to satisfy his ‘f—ing hatred’ of Auburn. And they are.

So what’s the big deal?

I hit ‘publish’ about 15 minutes after the game, which sadly means I had known we were going to lose for an hour or more.

Still, that post was not some teary-eyed hissy fit. (The difference between Auburn fans and Alabama fans is that we cry when we win and y’all cry when you lose. And throw bottles. And try to kill your children.)

I mean, did you read the first part?

I said Bama won. I said that it was the worst game I’d ever seen Auburn play (which is saying a lot, considering this impuissant season). It shouldn’t have been, but it was: a slaughter.

Bama fans – you won!

I didn’t expect it. It was a blow-out. 36-0.

I even told you roll tide!

So why comments like this:

hmmmm…can you say SORE LOSER! What a bunch of baloney! Give me a break, you guys win for six years in a row, can’t you just be proud of that and move on. I mean granted you haven’t won nine in a row like we did but you probably didn’t know that we won nine in a row because fans nor coaches went around holding nine fingers up, making a huge deal about it (THATS CALLED CLASS) So you had a crappy season, it happens to everybody. Yes you lost, yes you got SHUT OUT by Bama 36-0 but don’t start the mud slinging about Nick…I’m sure your wonderful Tuberville has never been obnoxious or cursed at the players or said he hated Alabama…nooooo surely not. Grow up! I don’t agree with the use of the wording he used but I’m sure he got carried away and was trying to pump his team up. But just remember this…when you lose, show your class

Pam Todd**

I’ve never been able to figure out if the lack of discernment and appreciation for context is more of a gene thing, or if checking your brain at your cheeks is just necessary to enter the cult. I suppose it doesn’t matter.

Let’s break it down.

Pam “Roll” Todd, I am not a sore loser. Sore losers go with the bottles and guns of above. After publicly ridiculing your opponent, sore losers refuse to shake the hand that blocked the punts. In response to beat downs, sore losers say Brodie things, like “if you take away that one quarter…”

And Pam, what exactly about that post is baloney? Again — Bama won. Check. Nick Saban is your coach. Check. You don’t condone ‘the use of the wording he used,’ but you’re cool with the sentiment it expressed. Check.

So where’s your beef? I’m not sure …

But thanks for your concern: I am proud of our streak. Six fingers proud. And I’m glad you bring that up, because the thumb’n'fingers raping of the Crimson “soul” lo these many years is something I’ve meant to explain since this blog began.

Alabama fans started it.

Doused-yourselves-in-gasoline-struck the match-and-called-the-flames-classless started it.

This might take a second.

I was at the 2005 Iron Bowl. Ground zero. Ground into the dirt 11 times. I didn’t see Tommy Tuberville hold up four fingers – to Auburn fans – on the way into the stadium. I was at Tiger Walk, but I didn’t see him. Neither did 99 percent of the people there. But on that first touch down, I shot four fingers up in the air without thinking. And when the 3rd quarter ticked 3-2-1, I did the same. So did all the Auburn fans around me. We smiled at each other, because this time it meant something more. “Four, four, get’em up.” We kept them up on the way out.

It wasn’t orders, it was natural.

And it was nothing new. Flip through any commemorative “First Time in Jordan-Hare” book, and you’ll see photos of the same. Before the ’89 game, after the ’89 game.

What Pam and her fellows may not realize is that “four” has special significance in the numerology of college football. Four quarters, four downs, four years (in theory) as a player*.

(You’ll note that this did not occur in, funnily enough, ’04. Three fingers would have been weird.)

Winning the 2005 game meant an entire senior class never losing to Alabama – four in a row, then still rarefied Iron Bowl air. The last time that happened was a mini-golden era for Auburn football. Holding up four fingers at the end of that game’s third quarter was a non-verbal pun for victory. It meant something deeper.

Tuberville did it because the fans were doing it. It was a salute, a high five (literally, the next year), and as classless as an index finger “#1,” which is to say, not at all.

It was chummed into scandal by Bama fan extraordinaire Paul Finebaum, and the internet, a fact I noted at the time in a story I wrote on the emerging influence of football blogs (I interviewed some dude named Orson Swindle, and this Jay Coulter guy, and there was this Auburner thing…).

The slogan “Fear The Thumb” was not pre-printed. It did not become the phenomenon we know today overnight. It was born several days after the 2005 Iron Bowl in unique reaction to the feminine hysterics elicited from Bama fans by Finebaum … and Tiger Rags pounced.

But the resulting t-shirt, now a collectors item, was not a unprovoked taunt. It was a message, a proportional response to Bama fans saying Tuberville holding up four fingers (to Auburn fans) was classless (because Paul Finebaum said it was classless). It was advice: Don’t worry about that, don’t worry about four fingers. Worry about next year. Worry about the thumb.

I have only seen Tommy Tuberville hold up four fingers, five fingers, six fingers, or seven fingers to Auburn fans, and even then, only when asked. I have never seen him or heard of him holding up four fingers, five fingers, six fingers or seven fingers to Alabama fans, except when asked to… by a (classless?) Bama fan stationed in Iraq.

So from the description of this picture, I was expecting to see a seven finger pantsing of Terrence Cody. Instead, I see only Auburn fans. You know why? Because it’s at Tiger Walk. Not midfield. Not the Bama bench. (Should he have shouted ‘we’re going to lose!?’).

Alright, that’s settled. Back to Pam.

Mudslinging? There is no mudslinging when it comes to Saban. It’s already all over the place. And there was no mudslinging in that post. Again, you’re cool with the icing technique, and that’s fine, and you’re cool with Nick Saban’s special way of “trying to pump his team up,” and that’s fine, too.

It’s just why we hate you.

I wasn’t listening to it. Gary “let them play” Danielson is a joke. I think Eli Gold would have been more objective. But my wife couldn’t stand having it muted, so she listened. I paced and blocked it out, but then, you know, she’s like “Oh my God…” and I’m like “what” and she’s like, “did you hear that?” and I’m like, “no, what?” and so she rewinds it. And she plays it. And I sit down. We play it again.

I know it was a “semi-private conversation.” I know he didn’t think anyone was listening – that’s part of what makes it so sonofamother… – though of course Tracy Wolfson said it was the loudest she’s ever heard him. And she’s been hearing him for five years.

Here’s the deal:

It’s not the implications that he was running up the score. We wouldn’t expect anything less.

It’s not that he cussed. Damn right – I loved it when Muschamp boomed! it so loud the camera mics cought it.

It’s not even that he said he cussing hated us. I doubt most coaches would have admitted that to their players, even were they to feel that way. But it’s not that.

It’s the “because.”

It’s the if / then.

It’s him cussing exhorting his players to cussing “keep playing” at 29-0 … not for themselves, not for BCS style points, not for the fun or the love of the game… but because don’t they understand how much he fucking hates us.

That’s not a motivational technique. That’s a revelation.

We’ve always known it was us against them. We’ve always known it was good vs. evil. Our way vs. their way. Right vs. wrong. But to here it so starkly articulated was genuinely chilling.

We’re different Pam, you and me. That’s all I’m saying.

See ya’ next year.

* All I could think Karate Kid 2, Karate Kid 2 – the crain kick of Florida ’07 didn’t work twice. But that meant we were going to win. Mystic drum move! It didn’t happen (but the Kodi kata of ’09!). And speaking of Karate Kid – tell me who would play Kreese, Saban or Tuberville. Exactly! That’s my whole point, Bama fans! Your coach is the bad guy in every movie! I know it, you know it, Jerry knows it. And speaking of Jerry, I honestly didn’t even see the cut block or chop block or whatever block it was during the game – must have been pacing – so I’ll let him handle damage control. But again, the thing is, with Auburn, we see that – by a player – and we go, ‘oh, no, no, no.’ Meanwhile, you see crap — from your coach — and you go ‘hell, yeah.’ If it’s a player, it’s rejectable, correctable, typically isolated. If it’s the coach, it’s systemic. You have to get on board. And you do.

** Pam was one of the first. I started with her. But then like, 15 more came, and I even deleted some… but I stuck with Pam… thanks Pam.

*** We all know the legend of Brandon Cox, but who is the “one player to ever beat Auburn” lil’ Nicky fact dropped on his way off the field? What is that — a 7th year senior?

The 7 Deadly Fingers of Dr. Tubs

By J.M. Comer

We here at TWER are now set to reveal our top-secret yearlong project: seven fingers, one hand! Think of the convenience. Pre-game, post-game flashes of SEVEN fingers to the stunned Crimson masses, while having a free hand to hold your beer or snap of photo of Tuscaloosa in meltdown.

Seven fingers assumes so much, to be sure, dearest reader. But scientific thinking is a forward progress.

Our earliest sketches consisted of two thumbs:

But our focus group of Auburn fans thought that such a two-thumbed hand might leave one open to the dreaded “you are all thumbs” insult.

Clearly, this would not do.

Science marched on. After minutes and minutes of painstaking research it was decided: 6 fingers and 1 thumb on one single hand. Could it be done?

The surgery and pre-op prep were to be intense. We had to find a test case, someone expendible to humankind.

Tom Arnold (man-beast and Bama fan for a day) would be hard to track, target and sedate. Also, his intense blend of daily “uppers” would probably have proven too problematic for our in-house anesthesiologist.

But eventually, we found our man:

But sadly, the “comedy” of seven fingers proved too much for our test case. TWER scientists (good men, and thorough) looked at the situation and realized that such a human could not safely be released back into the world. How can I say this gently? Mr. Carey will not be involved with the third installment of the Pet Detective series. Or any other movie for that matter. You’re welcome.

Our methods proved sound. It can be done.

In the name of Science!

In the name of Auburn!

The eye of the Eagle sees all!

Exalted Eagle!

War Eagle!

2002

The last time we rode into Tuscaloosa on low expectations:

Kodi Burns = Tre Smith. If we don’t win by at least 10, I’ll be disappointed.

Seven (7!!!!) Quotes From “The Big Lebowski” That We Can Apply to This Season

By J.M. Comer

1. “The Dude abides.”

The 2008 season has been one long test of the soul. What can we as Auburn fans do in this time of despair? Abide.

2. “Ah, f___ it.”

Auburn loses to Vandy. 14-13. Don’t dwell. This was probably the low point. No where to go but up.

3. “The bums will always lose.” OR “You’re out of your element.” OR “D’ya have to use s’many cuss words?”

Tony Franklin experiment = Season of DEATH.

4. “Yeah well, that’s just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.”

The blathering, blustery comments of our idiot brothers-in-arms continue. I took a look at our fellow Auburn fans on the al.com message boards (I know, I know, I’m torturing myself) and the biggest complaint from them over the past few weeks is that the team has quit. The coaches have quit. Get rid of Tubs. Well, it seems to me that most of these “fans” have quit believing, supporting, hoping and waiting. Spineless bandwagon cowards, all!

5. Message to Bobby Lowder and his trustee cronies: “Just because we’re bereaved doesn’t mean we’re saps!”

6. “Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well, he eats you.”

After seasons of great breaks (game-winning field goals, questionable calls going our way, etc.) for our Auburn Tigers, in 2008 it all comes back to bite us in the ass. Nothing seems to go our way.

7. “If you will it, it is no dream.”

[Lance Armstrong knows the power of 7. This slot reserved for the next week's win over No. 1 ranked Alabama at Jordan-Hare West.]

Redcoats Rave: Iron Bowl sums up America

First the Maxim UK cover, and now (or whenever) Stephen Fry and the BBC cover the Iron Bowl.

“I really don’t know if anything sums up America better. It’s simultaneously preposterous, incredibly laughable, impressive, charming, ridiculous, expensive, overpopulated, wonderful, American.”

Couldn’t have said it bett’er me self, guvna.

[Thanks, again, to Dave in Florida for the tip]

Further renovations to Jordan-Hare West?

By J.M. Comer

A blog post from Roll ‘Bama Roll noted that there are renovations going on this week in Bryant-Denny Stadium, also known as Jordan-Hare West. A giant houndstooth hat was being lifted into the stadium via crane for a new restaurant.

… the hat will sit above a new concession stand fittingly dubbed, “The Bear’s Den.” Many of the other new concession stands will have similar themes. Ezell’s Fish Camp, for example, will have a tin roof and look like a cabin on the lake, while “Crimson Fried” will have a mural of past Alabama football teams.

Either way, it’s pretty interesting stuff in terms of how they are upgrading concession services around the stadium.

Interesting stuff indeed! Dearest readers, it gets even more interesting! Thanks to our undercover TWER operatives in Tuscaloosa, we have obtained a surveillance photo of another object being loaded into the stadium for concessions. A surprise for the opening game? It appears that Bama has decided to celebrate another coach with another giant “signature” object: Mike Shula’s Ice Cream Cone Shoppe will be ready for 2008! I can’t wait to try the “Croyle Crushed Dreams Ripple” at our home away from home this year. War (Yum) Eagle!

Tom Arnold, Bammer for a Day

By J.M. Comer

Found on The Tide Druid‘s blog:

Transcription

Roll Tide. (Gears turn in that big fat waterhead as he stands teetering in place. Swaying from intoxication. “Am I saying this right?” He panics. A failure blend of coke and alcohol courses through his system. Arnold’s bloodshot eyes dart quickly to the side. What am I supposed to say next? Oh yeah.) Aulwurn sucks … hhh-hhh-hhh! (“I made a funny! Tom, you devil, you’ve still got it!”)

Recap/Analysis

So, Nick Saban’s new Hollywood adviser, Tom Arnold, visits Tuscaloosa this week to take in practice, “proudly” proclaiming (according to many Tider insiders) that his “son” (he doesn’t have a son, he has a godson, more on that later) will play for the Tide one day. After said practice, “Soul Plane” actor Tom Arnold, takes a shot at Bama’s rival in a YouTube clip. Thank God in Heaven that Tom Arnold doesn’t like Auburn. We should be celebrating this fact. Put it in Auburn’s media book: “Historically, and as recently as August 2008, drunk jackasses tend to dislike the Tigers.” Is the tag still on that shirt that Mal Moore gave him? What a strange, strange road Tom Arnold is taking this rivalry. How does Auburn retaliate at this point? What Grade-D celebrity do we roll out to make a counterpoint in this important YouTube debate on who rules and who sucks?

But wait! There’s more!

Sorry to burst your bubble Tide fans, but maybe Arnold’s loyalty is a bit … shall we say … unsteady? Finishing up divorce #3 this month, Tom Arnold is also now having to defend his loyalty to the University of Iowa (he’s supposedly 100 percent Hawkeye) after attending Bama’s practice. In an e-mail to Hlog he makes this rambling, incoherent, back-peddling point:

Okay, slam my work BUT NEVER question my Hawk Loyalty..my G-Friend went to Bama..she’s got a place there, Nick Saban used to coach in the Big 10..so I took my godson, his mom and sisters to a closed practice with the AD to watch and say hello to Nick. (I did remind him of the Capital One Bowl a few years back and he’s a great guys so..:) My godson, who’s the best 8 year old quarterback in Brentwood California, is being forced to go to Alabama (unless he gets into Harvard) by is mother. Of course I’ve pitched Iowa City but as you all know, with women, you’ve got to pick your battles and since he’s only 8..well…and while I’m here, where’s the Hawk Loyalty for OUR COACH??? He could’ve dumped us years ago..could’ve been head coach of the NY Giants, World Champs, but no, he’s loyal, so let’s try to stay off the man’s butt…we’re better than that. Tom

Secrets to Success! NFL Money! Motivation! Reach Your Full Potential! We’re Gonna Teach the Hell Out of You! In Your Mind!

By J.M. Comer

An uplifting summer seminar organized by Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

Reach for that crystal trophy!

Do you want to reach your FULL POTENTIAL on the football field? Well, you’ve gotta get that first touchdown … in your MIND! Aiight? There is no depth chart. You are all FIRST TEAM players to me. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. Got it? You’ll only be arrested if you want to be arrested. And your mind? It might be arrested … IN YOUR HEAD. Let it free. Throw your worries to the wind, like a yellow flag caught and twisted end over end in the breeze. Aiight? Did you know that 99 percent of tackling your opponent takes place first in your brain? 99 percent! That’s 11 percent less than 110 percent! The other 11 percent? Fundamentals. So let’s go through our clarifying incantation. Clear your thoughts!

Remember: “We are a team that’s committed to excellence. It’s represented in everything we do.”

Remember: “A Tiger by the tail is worth two in the bush.”

Remember: “Our team is a family. We will look out for each other. We love one another. A manly love that only men with men can know.”

Remember: “Anything that attempts to tear us apart only makes us stronger.”

Always remember! “Six is only a number … six is only a number … six is only a number … seven doesn’t exist …”

I hope this lineup of speakers for Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2008 will INSPIRE and UPLIFT you to reach your FULL POTENTIAL! in the classroom and the field of battle. IN YOUR MIND!

Roll Tide!
Nick Saban
CEO, Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2008

This year’s speakers/performers include:

Author and speaker: Lou Tice

I’m the co-founder of the Pacific Institute. Excellence is a process — an achievable, continuous process that inevitably results when we learn to control how we think, what we expect and what we believe. Top athletes come to me for help with mastering the psychological aspects of peak performance. How do I write my books, like “Smart Talk: Achieving Your Potential”? One word at a time. And painkillers. The pain! It picks at my mind every day like a buzzard!

Musical inspiration: Antowaine Richardson and the Main Attraction

Los Angeles native Antowaine Richardson, who sings lead, tenor and baritone, as well as writing, arranging and producing the group’s performing and recording efforts. Antowaine’s initial successes came as a hard-hitting second team All-American linebacker for the 1978 Rose Bowl champion University of Washington Huskies. Following a knee injury just before his first start for the St. Louis Cardinals, Antowaine opted for his first love, music. His second love? Yellow pants.

Motivation from Crimson Fan #1

Each morning I roll out from between the crimson-stained sheets of my bed, look to the heavens and scream “I am a crimson GOD!” I’ve found my true calling. My purpose. You can find it too! Tackle your problems and blitz your insecurities like me. I stand shirtless and painted before you … do not judge me … EMBRACE ME!

Testimonial speaker: Colette Connell, cock-eyed (from drinking) optimist

I found the answer as it stepped off a plane and into my then-empty life. After battling alcoholism and crushing debt, I found my inner power and consolidated that debt into one monthly bill! Thanks to Coach Saban’s “Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2007: Tidal Force Unleased!” I was able to unleash the tidal force of my MIND! My stalking is more focused and now I can see Saban 4 more hours out of the day by disguising myself as a goalpost!

I Believe