By J.M. Comer
This kind of column writes itself. Words are typed at a feverish pace. The brain is hot and throbbing. The cage that holds back the terrifying claws of that inferiority complex has been rattled. The red-headed stepchild gets pushed to the ground and dirt is kicked in his/her face once again. It comes with the territory when you support the Auburn Tigers.
Did you know that coaches are supposed to run and hide when cross-state challenges loom on the horizon? (* Release the Halloween metaphors! *) Like a vampire from the cock’s crow. The werewolf from the silver-packed pistol. Dr. Frankenstein’s monster from the peasant’s torch.
In the wide, wild world of Paul Finebaum this is what a sensible coach does, apparently. (See today’s fetid column here.)
The gist: Duck and cover, Coach Tuberville, or tuck and run. The Dark Lord Saban is coaching a winning team at the Capstone. Did you know that this past weekend a Tennessee team with one of the worst defenses in the conference was beat by Bama? Anoint the Dark Lord Saban with Volunteer blood!
If you have the time to humor us Auburn fans, Mr. Finebaum, please tell us all something: Why would Coach Tuberville run from the rising threat of an improved University of Alabama program, take the head coaching job at Texas A&M, and then have to face an almost always superior University of Texas team each year? Isn’t this trading one Boogey Man for another?
Does Auburn’s five wins in a row against Bama mean anything? One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Auburn owns Alabama. Auburn owns Bryant-Denny Stadium. I’m pretty sure there’s a memorial plaque and a bouquet of crimson and white flowers on the field where Brodie Croyle and his daddy’s dreams for his son died.
As The Auburner points out on a great T-shirt, there are children in the great state of Alabama that know how to tie their shoes, can read the adventures of Curious George, make a peanut butter sandwich — but yet don’t how to deal with a loss to the University of Alabama because they’ve never encountered such a brain-twisting concept.
So, with all due respect Mr. Finebaum, can we actually wait and see what happens at the Iron Bowl before reaching the conclusion that Tuberville fears Saban?
How many more weeks do we have to endure this fear-mongering? Five more weeks until the Iron Bowl?
LSU, can you do a big favor for us Auburn fans? We know that we must avert our eyes from your gloriousness, as you are our Bengal Overlord. But can you whip the absolute dog mess out of Bama for us? Do you need a visual aid? Let me see here. Is there any video images of a tiger eating a peacock on YouTube? Nope. Maybe you can pretend this chicken on its perch is a peacock. I would like to imagine that such will be Mother Nature’s equivalent to the feeding time at Bryant-Denny Stadium in two weeks.