By J.M. Comer
Did the SEC West just get sleazier? Bobby Petrino, scum-sucker, took over the Arkansas Razorbacks football team last night.
I’m just guessing here: He didn’t say goodbye to the Falcons.
I could believe that. It sounds about right.
According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution this morning, that’s exactly what he did, or I guess exactly what he didn’t do:
[Falcon’s owner Arthur] Blank said Petrino, who was signed from Louisville to a five-year, $24.5 million contract Jan. 8, told him that he would be back to coach the Falcons in 2008. It was the second time Blank had asked Petrino about his commitment to the team over the past few weeks and the second time Petrino told him he would be back next season.
At 5:30 p.m. Tuesday, Petrino met with Rich McKay, the team’s president and general manager, at the team’s Flowery Branch headquarters, and told him he was quitting. Petrino then called Blank. Blank was “very disappointed, highly agitated and upset at [Tuesday’s] developments,” according to a team official who was present at a lengthy meeting with senior team officials at Blank’s Buckhead offices Tuesday night.
The Falcons were off Tuesday, following Monday night’s 34-14 loss to visiting New Orleans, after which Petrino abruptly ended his postgame news conference. He did not hold his typical day-after news conference and did not address the team.
But his move to Fayetteville didn’t happen without many, many days of speculation from those mysterious “news outlets” and “sources” that populate the Natural State.
Memo to self: Call Arkansas “news outlet.” Whisper into the phone, “J.M. Comer wins Powerball Lottery — winnings estimated at $50 billion. Comer buys out Colonial Bank and pushes Bobby Lowder, Auburn trustee, into mud puddle. Mark Paden and Ryan Stephens, directors of The Auburner, are installed as athletic director.”
It would be the God’s honest truth to half the state of Alabama for one to two days. Blogs would spread the word. Other “news outlets,” TV news stations and newspapers in other states would pick it up and run with it. Lowder would retreat into his high-tech panic room with his lucky dime.
What power those Arkansas “news outlets” wield! It’s frightening actually. I wonder why that school in Fayetteville had such trouble filling the head coaching slot?
I envision the Arkansas “news outlet” to look a lot like this:
“My name is Legion: for we are many.” What a scoop! Straight from the demon’s mouth!
Why in his right mind would Auburn’s defensive coordinator Will “Boom Boom” Muschamp have chosen the University of Arkansas as his first head coaching stint? You want to be a head coach? Check. You want to coach in the SEC? Sure, who wouldn’t? But should you stick your neck out for these loons?
Oops. Wrong photo. These loons are kind of cute. So how about this loon?
A Razorbacks fan in the natural state in the Natural State.
Maybe, Petrino and the Hogs deserve one another. No, I take that back. The Razorbacks don’t deserve what is to come. Razorbacks, you don’t deserve the soul ripped from your school.
I just feel bad for our beloved coach, Tommy Tuberville. He has to hold his nose and shake Petrino’s hand probably twice a year, stooping down to acknowledge the existence of that pig’s muckpile.
In case you didn’t notice: I despise Petrino. It really stinks that now I’m going to hate the Razorbacks from this day forward. If those “news sources” from earlier in the day had spoken the truth and Will “Boom Boom” Muschamp had gone on to take the head coaching position, I would have been bummed. But I would have understood. Muschamp is an outstanding guy/coach and will make a great head coach wherever he goes. I would have been excited for you Razorback fans.
But Petrino represents greed and dishonesty to me. Even more so than Alabama head coach Nick Saban, believe it or not. Petrino represents what could have been the dancing end of Auburn trustee Bobby Lowder’s puppet strings if that fateful plane trip to Louisville had gone off without a hitch.
Fight the powers that be Coach!
Thank God for Tommy Tuberville, the players’ coach. The People’s Coach. Coach of the 2003 orange-and-blue junta (in the Hindi sense of the word)! Viva la Tubs and all he represents to Auburn. A moment in history where Lowder got egg on his face and his silk handkerchief was nowhere to be found.
And go to hell Petrino.
Appendix A: Forde Column