Demonic, Demonic, Put Your Hands All Over Cullen Harper’s Body

By J. Henderson

quentin-groves.jpgIt has not, no it has not, been the season we wanted for Quentin Groves. Though I myself do not include his admitted distractedness in pursuit of the Auburn sack record, which I think some have misinterpreted, in the discrepancy between our lusty pre-season thoughts of quarterback carnage and the real time gridiron reality, the fact remains that, statistically (only three sacks) 2007, was not his best. Of course, generally speaking, this could be said of many a marque Auburn player, for various reasons: Brad Lester, Tristan Davis, Tray Blackmon, and Brandon Cox, just to name a few. But it seems especially so in Grove’s case. Jerry at the Joe Cribbs Car Wash best sums it up in his wish-list for the Clemson game:

“[I wish] that Quentin Groves finishes his career with one his patented sack-and-strips. It just hasn’t been the bed-wetting-terror-inducing year we all imagined for Groves, has it? From the “Oops, I wasn’t playing the run” admission to the dislocation injury to being denied more than a few memorable sacks by random last-second throwaways (Tebow still owes him one***) to the record hanging around all season like the last guy to leave the party, it’s seemed like if it hasn’t been one thing for Groves, it’s been another. It’s too bad, what with Groves being a likable guy who could have gone pro after–even more importantly–serving as Auburn’s runaway MVP in the 2006 Iron Bowl. A flashback to those heady days (or even to the kickoff of this season) would be nice even if it wasn’t so richly deserved at the end of yet another killer Auburn career.”

But it wasn’t all wistful, and the season was actually sandwiched with aesthetic glory – the first game heroics against Kansas State (which were grafted into the pre-game tunnel video in, I think, record time)…

… and his maestro moment, the conducting of the Auburn Schadenfreude Orchestra in the best Rammer Jammer ever, to conclude his final home game and Iron Bowl.

And now, with one game left, and with Groves currently tied with Gerald Robinson as the all-time Auburn sack leader (26), it appears that the Lord might be throwing him a bone (or some bones), as Clemson’s starting right tackle, senior Christian Capote (great name), is academically ineligible to play in the It’s-Not-The-Peach-It’s-The-Chick-Fil-A-Bowl.

Groves will instead face freshman Chris Hairston in his first career start.

I don’t want to jinx anything, but Chris, I do want you to know something – I want you to know the full name of the man hellbent on making history right through you:


It’s Quentin Demonic Groves. Look it up. That’s Quentin. Demonic. Groves. Quentin Demonic Groves will not be calling down the thunder on Christian Capote, he will be baptizing you, Chris Hairston, in the flames of holy Auburn hell. Just so you know…

No mercy, Cousin Clem.

Go for it Q.

War Damn Eagle.

[*** TWER Poll: Imagining yourself as Groves looking back, who would it be sweeter for you to have broken the record on – Heisman-winning Tebow (breaking a record on another record breaker, nice, almost had him), your publicist John-Parker Wilson (actually thought he had it – I’ll never forgive him for throwing the ball), or in your last college football game against Clemson QB and Brodie Croyle College of Football Analysis graduate Cullen Harper, who said that Tennessee Tech would have beaten Auburn had they not given up so many turnovers. Auburn won that game 35-3.]


1 Comment

Filed under Pre-game Notes

One response to “Demonic, Demonic, Put Your Hands All Over Cullen Harper’s Body

  1. Chris Hairston

    It doesnt look like he got that record did he.

    And this is that guy you called cousin Clem.

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