By J.M. Comer
Found on The Tide Druid‘s blog:
Roll Tide. (Gears turn in that big fat waterhead as he stands teetering in place. Swaying from intoxication. “Am I saying this right?” He panics. A failure blend of coke and alcohol courses through his system. Arnold’s bloodshot eyes dart quickly to the side. What am I supposed to say next? Oh yeah.) Aulwurn sucks … hhh-hhh-hhh! (“I made a funny! Tom, you devil, you’ve still got it!”)
So, Nick Saban’s new Hollywood adviser, Tom Arnold, visits Tuscaloosa this week to take in practice, “proudly” proclaiming (according to many Tider insiders) that his “son” (he doesn’t have a son, he has a godson, more on that later) will play for the Tide one day. After said practice, “Soul Plane” actor Tom Arnold, takes a shot at Bama’s rival in a YouTube clip. Thank God in Heaven that Tom Arnold doesn’t like Auburn. We should be celebrating this fact. Put it in Auburn’s media book: “Historically, and as recently as August 2008, drunk jackasses tend to dislike the Tigers.” Is the tag still on that shirt that Mal Moore gave him? What a strange, strange road Tom Arnold is taking this rivalry. How does Auburn retaliate at this point? What Grade-D celebrity do we roll out to make a counterpoint in this important YouTube debate on who rules and who sucks?
But wait! There’s more!
Sorry to burst your bubble Tide fans, but maybe Arnold’s loyalty is a bit … shall we say … unsteady? Finishing up divorce #3 this month, Tom Arnold is also now having to defend his loyalty to the University of Iowa (he’s supposedly 100 percent Hawkeye) after attending Bama’s practice. In an e-mail to Hlog he makes this rambling, incoherent, back-peddling point:
Okay, slam my work BUT NEVER question my Hawk Loyalty..my G-Friend went to Bama..she’s got a place there, Nick Saban used to coach in the Big 10..so I took my godson, his mom and sisters to a closed practice with the AD to watch and say hello to Nick. (I did remind him of the Capital One Bowl a few years back and he’s a great guys so..:) My godson, who’s the best 8 year old quarterback in Brentwood California, is being forced to go to Alabama (unless he gets into Harvard) by is mother. Of course I’ve pitched Iowa City but as you all know, with women, you’ve got to pick your battles and since he’s only 8..well…and while I’m here, where’s the Hawk Loyalty for OUR COACH??? He could’ve dumped us years ago..could’ve been head coach of the NY Giants, World Champs, but no, he’s loyal, so let’s try to stay off the man’s butt…we’re better than that. Tom