By J.M. Comer
We here at TWER are now set to reveal our top-secret yearlong project: seven fingers, one hand! Think of the convenience. Pre-game, post-game flashes of SEVEN fingers to the stunned Crimson masses, while having a free hand to hold your beer or snap of photo of Tuscaloosa in meltdown.
Seven fingers assumes so much, to be sure, dearest reader. But scientific thinking is a forward progress.
Our earliest sketches consisted of two thumbs:
But our focus group of Auburn fans thought that such a two-thumbed hand might leave one open to the dreaded “you are all thumbs” insult.
Clearly, this would not do.
Science marched on. After minutes and minutes of painstaking research it was decided: 6 fingers and 1 thumb on one single hand. Could it be done?
The surgery and pre-op prep were to be intense. We had to find a test case, someone expendible to humankind.
Tom Arnold (man-beast and Bama fan for a day) would be hard to track, target and sedate. Also, his intense blend of daily “uppers” would probably have proven too problematic for our in-house anesthesiologist.
But eventually, we found our man:
But sadly, the “comedy” of seven fingers proved too much for our test case. TWER scientists (good men, and thorough) looked at the situation and realized that such a human could not safely be released back into the world. How can I say this gently? Mr. Carey will not be involved with the third installment of the Pet Detective series. Or any other movie for that matter. You’re welcome.
Our methods proved sound. It can be done.
In the name of Science!
In the name of Auburn!
The eye of the Eagle sees all!