By Big Sexy
I’m thinking about “Hee Haw,” which in itself is strange. I haven’t thought about “Hee Haw” in a long time, but a serendipitous chain of events over the last couple of weeks caused me to reminisce about that old show that gave me such pain growing up in Alabama. My folks wouldn’t allow a single transmission of that program to go unwatched, so I grew up hating it because it would make me miss “Solid Gold” or “Buck Rogers” or whatever else was happening on ANY other channel.
A little known fact: Ernest Borgnine was a “Hee Haw Honey” in between acting gigs in the ’70s.
But on one of the most glorious road trips Ever (which will be the subject of later articles, I’m sure) to watch the latest installment of “Iron Bowl Smackdown, Volume 6, Whackabama Blues,” a couple of my music snob friends treated us to a few nuggets by Roy Clark and Buck Owens on their iPod playlists. So that got the ball rolling.
Of course, it was cemented a couple of days later at the game, because Alabama fans generally look like the turnout at a “Hee Haw” casting call.
Anyhoo, some wiseacre on the AL.com forum made a crack that made me think about that old group of hillbillies on “Hee Haw” that would sit around and lament and moan about their lot in life, whilst sippin’ from jugs of moonshine (again, the resemblance to bammer fans is friggin’ uncanny). So we decided to update the hillbilly themesong, so that the present day bammers will have something to wail tunefully while they shoot their kids and beat their wives (sung to the tune of the “Hee Haw” hillbillies theme, “Gloom, Despair and Agony On Me”):
“Gloom, despair, it’s dark at UAT (WOE!)
Six straight to the Tigers, excessive misery (OH!)
If it weren’t for houndstooth, they’d have no teeth at all (WOE!)
Croomed, no Bear, and stuck in the port of Shreve.”
Now I realize, with my old ass, that this little ditty is at best probably not that funny, and at worst just plain bewildering, for those of you under 30. But you little whippersnappers know how to work youtubes and internets, so just look up the “Hee Haw” hillbillies song about gloom and despair.
And, as long as we’re misappropriatin’ “Hee Haw” songs (and what better way COULD you spend your time?), we can take a look into the crimson pachyderm future with the song that Archie Campbell and Gordie Tapp used to sing on “Hee Haw.” This one’s for when that magnificent re-krooter, the Great Sabanus, takes off for greener pastures in a few seasons (and you know the green he likes, for which he performs some SERIOUS scoutin’, yo), and we don’t even have to change the original words:
“Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over, and I thought I’d found true love,
Then you met another, and PFFFFFT! You was gone.”
Yeah, I can’t wait to see the teeth gnashing that has become the Bammer tradition when that comes to pass. What will we be up to by that point? 7, 8 … 12?