Tag Archives: Nick Saban

$4 million dollars

Bama finally wins one. They finally win on their home field. It took a million years.

It was the worst game I’ve ever seen us play, capping one of the worst seasons.

War Eagle.

But I would rather lose every game we played, then win a single game, let alone a championship, under that man.

Alabama fans, we loathe you. We hate the sin, and we hate the sinner.

And the reason we hate you, is because you see that shite, and you cheer.

You see that kind of icing, and you justify it. Smart coach, smart.

(One of you just found this blog by Googling ‘Nick Saban’s Secret of Success.’ Good Lord… )

You hear the sideline reporter tell of little Nicky begging his team to run up the score, not for the fun of it, not even for themselves, but because ‘don’t you know how much I f—–g hate these guys?’ … and you’re cool with it.

That’s your coach.

Roll Tide.


Filed under BEAT BAMA

“Walk-On” out in stores

Walk-On, the new book from former Auburn star Thom Gossom, was finally released last Tuesday — perhaps you remember hearing about it in my recent novel.

You can order it directly from Borders or get a personalized copy at www.walkongossom.com. But you might actually catch him at J&M this Saturday, signing books before we embarrass LSU.

There have been some other write ups and last week, Paul Finebaum took a break from his busy career in erotica to have Thom on his radio show. Paul, of course, took the opportunity to insinuate that Auburn just really hates black people, that it always has hated black people, that it will forever continue to hate and loathe and belittle black people. Keep them down. Bench them. Second-string them.

He refers to Auburn as “… a school that’s always had a rap with the racial issue…”and as having “a reputation as a bad place for black players over the years.” He wants to know if “that’s been rectified” and also “why every time there’s a black quarterback down there it’s an instant controversy, one of those may be going on right now…”

Keep in mind this was while discussing a book written about, among other things, Auburn’s leading role in integrating college football in the state of Alabama.

Here’s the math:

Kodi Burns + second string = Tommy Tuberville, racist.

Oh, also keep in mind that Kodi Burns is not only the current fan favorite for the starting job but the latest in a long string of black “fan favorite” quarterbacks going back to the early 80s. Pat Washington, Reggie Slack, Dameyune Craig, Jason Campbell and now Kodi — Campbell, Craig, and Slack are arguably the three most popular quarterbacks in recent Auburn history.

(To his eternal credit, Thom defended Auburn, saying no, no, you know, it was hard everywhere, Paul.)

But it was Paul’s peculiar contrast of Thom’s experience as the second black football player at Auburn, (which began six years after Auburn integrated) to what must be his understanding of the Bama experience… in particular, to the famous spectacle surrounding the initial integration of the University of Alabama… to the Hug in the Schoolhouse Door, to all the funshine and rainbows filling Tuscaloosa in the early 60s… that really caught my attention:

“This is not a pretty story,” Finebaum says of Walk-On. “This is not, ‘hey, I walked in the door with the national guard and everyone embraced me…‘”

No football player in the state of Alabama, red or yellow, black or white, ever ‘walked in the door’ flanked by the national guard (any national guard action, and it was only at Alabama, would have been, oh, seven years prior). If they had, it wouldn’t have had anything to do with protecting them from fanmail or PDA.

So what the hell is he talking about? Whatever it is, taste it — it’s grain fed revisionism, of the sort only Bama fans can churn, and oh so similar to a certain strain — a fascinating phenomenon of Bryantism — that kept popping up during my research for Walk-On … but more on that later.

Just know, for now, that if you’ve ever felt paranoid for thinking that Paul would rip out a kidney and slap it on the table for the University of Alabama.. don’t.

Because when Finebaum writes:

For long-time chroniclers of college football, it has been agonizing to witness the devestation of the Alabama dynasty – once among the proudest in the lore of the sport.

… he is first and foremost writing about himself. And he would do anything in the world to end that agony… fantasize about institutional racism at Auburn, bend over for Dr. Saban… anything to maybe, just maybe, help, one day, take the edge off…


Filed under General

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tommy Tuberville…

I leave in a week. Thankfully, I got to see Tuberville again, third year in a row – Kiwanis Club at the country club, free lunch, clinking glasses, lots of men named Tom, I mean, Toms everywhere, thanks Dad.

For instance, former Auburn player and letterman club bigwig Tom Bryan.

“Coach asked Suzanne, ‘honey, in your wildest fantasies, did you ever think you and I would have the kind of boys we have? They’re such good kids…'”

“Suzanne replied, Tommy, you’re not in my wildest fantasies.”

I love this man. The one on the left two, both of you.

Tuberville packs the house every year. “Well, thank y’all for being here, with numbers like these, it must be football season — ha ha ha — so without any further adieu, here’s Coach Tuberville.”

(I forgot — before this, there was a great prayer thanking God for what Coach Tuberville does and the program he runs. Amen.)

Some notes: Tuberville started off by tastefully, funnily, effectively ragging the OA-News (“… the Opelika paper…”) for what he considers its less than favorable, less than fair, coverage. “Well, I’m the fighting coach now, at least according to…”

There were some other references. All funny. He’s a natural.

On the spread – “It’s been fun for the players. Now I just hope it works.” It’s going to be awesome. Fun to watch. Real fun to watch. Did I mention it’d be fun to watch? It’ll be fun to watch.

He’s been called a bunch of names in the past, including last year. “Baaad names,” he said. “I’ve heard them from the stands.” But now, since the spread is so dang fast, “if you complain, you’re gonna miss three plays.”

On the fights – he’s all about it. “It’s good to see a foul mood in practice, and we’ve got some guys that are down right mean.” But the team is going to come together. Right now it’s the offense against the defense. Hot and humid as syrup in a shower (my line). Guys competing. Fighting each other. “All football is is a fight.” But they’ll come together when its time.

On the quarterbacks – “We’ll have one quarterback but we’ll play two.”

[my translation — which I’ve thought for a while: we have two quarterbacks, I mean, at least till one just dominates the other, and since they’re both good, that doesn’t look to be happening. And I’m all for it. The dudes are apparently like, best friends. And right, they’re both good, and if the team hasn’t chosen sides like Tuberville says usually happens, but dig them both, then why the spread not? By the way, Barrett Trotter might be better than both of them by the time his time rolls around. Market forces = Auburn wins.]

On Chris Slaughter – “He’ll be a household name.”

On Philip Pierre-Louis (pronounced like Joe Louis) – He’s short and faster than fast. I mean, fast fast. He’s this way and that way, all over the place. “He can go. But that name’s too hard to for a redneck like me to me to remember, so I nicknamed him ‘Frenchy.'”

On Jerraud Powers – Tuberville called him the “player of the year” last year.

OK… we’re winding down… a few more questions here and there… yeah, Fannin is awesome… yeah, a few rule changes with the clock, nothing big… aww man, is no one going to ask? And wait a second, has anyone… no, no one’s asked a dang thing about Bama… no comments, jokes about penal institutions… I mean, I know it’s six going on seven, but we gotta keep the fires stokes… well, yeah, there goes my heart, oh man, I can see it pounding through my shirt, awesome… alright well, yeah, I guess it’s my duty, here goes…

“OK, lets see, one more questions… yessir?”

“I was wondering if you’d picked up the latest issue of Forbes Magazine.”

A few snickers around the room. Not the guffaws I was hoping for. Maybe it’s too early, I couldn’t even find it at Hastings yet…

“… Forbes?…”

You can hear the ice settling in the tea dregs. Oh. Dang. He hasn’t even… oh my… uh… but wait… is he just being…

“Yessir, it has, uh, Nick Saban on the cover, claims him as the most powerful coach in all of sports…”

A few more snickers around the room.

He looks down, kinda makes a face, then looks up, smiles.

“Doesn’t the Opelika paper put that thing out?”

War Damn Eagle.

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Filed under General

Christmas in August!

Thanks, Nick – keep it comin’!

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Secrets to Success! NFL Money! Motivation! Reach Your Full Potential! We’re Gonna Teach the Hell Out of You! In Your Mind!

By J.M. Comer

An uplifting summer seminar organized by Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

Reach for that crystal trophy!

Do you want to reach your FULL POTENTIAL on the football field? Well, you’ve gotta get that first touchdown … in your MIND! Aiight? There is no depth chart. You are all FIRST TEAM players to me. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. Got it? You’ll only be arrested if you want to be arrested. And your mind? It might be arrested … IN YOUR HEAD. Let it free. Throw your worries to the wind, like a yellow flag caught and twisted end over end in the breeze. Aiight? Did you know that 99 percent of tackling your opponent takes place first in your brain? 99 percent! That’s 11 percent less than 110 percent! The other 11 percent? Fundamentals. So let’s go through our clarifying incantation. Clear your thoughts!

Remember: “We are a team that’s committed to excellence. It’s represented in everything we do.”

Remember: “A Tiger by the tail is worth two in the bush.”

Remember: “Our team is a family. We will look out for each other. We love one another. A manly love that only men with men can know.”

Remember: “Anything that attempts to tear us apart only makes us stronger.”

Always remember! “Six is only a number … six is only a number … six is only a number … seven doesn’t exist …”

I hope this lineup of speakers for Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2008 will INSPIRE and UPLIFT you to reach your FULL POTENTIAL! in the classroom and the field of battle. IN YOUR MIND!

Roll Tide!
Nick Saban
CEO, Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2008

This year’s speakers/performers include:

Author and speaker: Lou Tice

I’m the co-founder of the Pacific Institute. Excellence is a process — an achievable, continuous process that inevitably results when we learn to control how we think, what we expect and what we believe. Top athletes come to me for help with mastering the psychological aspects of peak performance. How do I write my books, like “Smart Talk: Achieving Your Potential”? One word at a time. And painkillers. The pain! It picks at my mind every day like a buzzard!

Musical inspiration: Antowaine Richardson and the Main Attraction

Los Angeles native Antowaine Richardson, who sings lead, tenor and baritone, as well as writing, arranging and producing the group’s performing and recording efforts. Antowaine’s initial successes came as a hard-hitting second team All-American linebacker for the 1978 Rose Bowl champion University of Washington Huskies. Following a knee injury just before his first start for the St. Louis Cardinals, Antowaine opted for his first love, music. His second love? Yellow pants.

Motivation from Crimson Fan #1

Each morning I roll out from between the crimson-stained sheets of my bed, look to the heavens and scream “I am a crimson GOD!” I’ve found my true calling. My purpose. You can find it too! Tackle your problems and blitz your insecurities like me. I stand shirtless and painted before you … do not judge me … EMBRACE ME!

Testimonial speaker: Colette Connell, cock-eyed (from drinking) optimist

I found the answer as it stepped off a plane and into my then-empty life. After battling alcoholism and crushing debt, I found my inner power and consolidated that debt into one monthly bill! Thanks to Coach Saban’s “Crimson Tide Summer Motivation Seminar 2007: Tidal Force Unleased!” I was able to unleash the tidal force of my MIND! My stalking is more focused and now I can see Saban 4 more hours out of the day by disguising myself as a goalpost!


Filed under General, Iron Bowl 365

The Process OK’s Daily Affirmations

Saban has Bama players enrolled in self-image class.

How very Bill Curry.

UPDATE: I thought that was a pretty funny on Saban’s appearance in Montgomery… The Auburner’s is better.

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Well, I’ll tell ya’ Eee-Lah…

After a game, I huff as fast as I can up Bragg Ave. to get to my car — I park at the end of Sanders Street. I open the door and jam the key in and crank it up and find the station — I do that even before the cigar. I mean, I’ll get the Auburn stats and the locker room “you know, I mean, we just came out to play” quotes later. What I won’t get later is the comically mouth-dropping, love-to-hate-it drivel of Eee-Lah and Snake. You can’t relive that stuff on the internet, that’s in the moment, and it’s my second favorite part of football Saturdays, seriously.

And it’s art! I mean, I’ve heard Kenny Stabler say, in that full-tilt crazy-haired twang, and in all seriousness, that everyone knows that rain always helps the visiting team. It was like, fifteen years ago or something, I was in the car as a kid listening, hoping they’d lose, and they were on their way early in the first quarter, to Mississippi State I think. It was a home game and it was barely sprinkling and that’s what ol’ Snake Stabler said to explain it — rain helps the visiting team, everyone knows that! And oh man, did anyone hear when Joe Namath popped in the booth for a few hours during last year’s Tennessee broadcast? A-R-T.

So while I feel for the citizenry of south Alabama, I’m thankful that keeping Snake as co-pilot is now the fashionable thing. Early on though, it wasn’t. When it was hot off the press, Finebaum was pouring it on like nothing I’ve ever heard from him. It was actually really funny, but it was harsh. For reasons both of ego and it’s-the-right-thing decency, he was trying to set the tone for what Bama administrators would have to respond to. He was gone, fired, finished! And he probably would have been had Paul not suddenly changed his tune. Ah, but thank goodness Paul’s leg tingleth still for Saban, who’s resounding endorsement of Stabler – “he’s a great ambassador for the University” – he quoted in his latest column, a column unbelievingly, flip-floppingly headlined “Crimson Tide should stand by Stabler.”

…’cause three DUI’s be damned — I don’t want to lose my tradition and it’s looking like Bama doesn’t want to lose theirs. Finebaum obviously doesn’t want to lose his, either.

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Filed under Diversions / Investigations, Iron Bowl 365