Monday Misc: Capstoned and From the Bleachers

By J. Henderson

Bottles and Capstoned

Despite efforts by the University, the Artest Syndrome, prophesied by an Alabama fan caller to the Finebaum show a few weeks back to soon seize the college football ranks were a hard-line stance not assumed by “Capstone” officials towards criminally belligerent fan behavior, has officially landed in Tuscaloosa – Oxford, technically.

Due to the post-game incidents of assault that have marked the Sabanation’s reaction to loss over the past several games, I caught myself this week trying to imagine a scenario in which the classlessness that is Alabama football could present even in victory — even at an away game.

But it never came to me… but only because I limited my vision to the folks in the bleachers…

This week? The players themselves were throwing bottles at (understandably irate) Ole Miss fans… Darren Mustin and, if you can even believe it, Simeon Castille, to be precise.

How long would it take Tommy Tuberville to boot a player from the team were he spied attacking an opponent’s fans inside the stadium? I would say within 48 hours, but, thankfully, we will likely never know the answer.

After Tennessee beats the Tide this Saturday in Tuscaloosa, I think the only way Bama fans can reclaim their royal crown is to pelt their own team with bottles. Take it up a notch, Tide!

From the Bleachers

Speaking of bleachers, I doubt there are many readers of TWER who do not regularly check From The Bleachers, but if you don’t, you are missing out on not only quality football analysis, but actual and exhilarating reporting on the underreported skulduggery of the Sabanation and its citizenry, including the not-so-shockingly underreported journalistic offense of the “Nick Sucker”. I first discovered Will while drowning in the yellow sludge created in the wake of last year’s “sociology scandal” scandal. He tossed me a lifeline of insight and I was hooked.

Will actually e-mails people, he goes after the story… a Spirit that is Unafraid and all that spectacular jazz. Check him out…

*** Update – though Will’s Vodka Pundit piece I linked to above is superb as well, this is the lifeline I meant to cite…

On the Implications of Sabanism pertaining to Strategy

By J. Henderson

Georgia coach Mark Richt closed practice for the week leading up to the Alabama game, his first time to do so in seven years, this during the hot fallout surrounding New England Patriot’s Coach Bill Belichick’s “hyper-scouting” against the New York Jets. Georgia’s offensive line coach, and former Auburn great, Stacy Searels was theorized to be the little bird in Richt’s ear advising him on the wisdom of such a move prior to a game with Saban, a Belichick protege, who in his last, dismal year with the Miami Dolphins was under NFL scrutiny for allegedly spying on other teams – namely that of his “close friend” Bill Belichick.(Prior to the Dolphins game with the Patriots in December of ’06, Saban is purported to have have “bought the audio” from previous Patriot’s games so as to decipher quarterback Tom Brady’s calls at the line of scrimmage. Brady was held to 78 yards passing as lowly Miami dominated heavily favored New England 21-0. It was the first time the Patriots had been shut-out since 2003 — Very good, Young Grasshopper…)

During the CBS broadcast of last Saturday’s match-up between Bobby Bowden’s Florida State Seminoles and Saban’s Bama, Florida State players were seen forming a human shield, which included a dangling towel, in order to prevent Saban and Co. from reading FSU signals. Jimbo Fisher, Florida State’s new offensive coordinator, is, of course, fresh from the Saban regime.

Saban lost to Georgia. He lost to Florida State.

(Bama opponents: take note…)

So Lord only knows what sort of psycho anti-espionage / cheating apparatus Auburn defensive coordinator, Warrior Bard of “Hold’em!” Gusto, and former Saban assistant Will Muschamp, whom I love, will have Tuberville install in the lead-up to this year’s Iron Bowl.

I’m imagining decoy practices, a one-way-mirrored bubble dome on the home side of Pat Dye Field, with a zippered entrance / exit, and helmets installed with encrypted telecommunications equipment. And classes on the Navajo tongue. Apparently, when it comes to Saban, it is impossible to be too careful.

*** Update — check out this post by Joe Blow at If Pigskins Could Fly for even more duplicitous details — plus an actual picture of the towel / blanket manshield I couldn’t find…

Alabama Fans: The Britney Spears of College Football

By J. Henderson

This is the scene I literally ran home from Jordan-Hare in time to see.

John Elway, Jr., jubilant, sweaty, charging the man-pile of jugular-speared victory, one throw, first down, touchdown victory, adding himself, another cell, growing the organism, the tumor if you will. Celebrant after celebrant, the tumor inside the Vishnu of Sabania grows and doubles and triples upon itself. The news is shocking.

Diagnosis: mortal. How long doctor? How long until number 13? We were supposed to be married in January, we were going to have kids…

Girls cry in the stands. Men rage, angry at the universe, their breath wet and stupid. They were never supposed to lose again. Ever. Arkansas proved that.

And then comes the debris.

Saban Breathes New Life Into 45-year-old Bama Tradition!!

Maybe he IS the second-coming… ’cause Georgia is worried about Bama spying on their practices…

It wouldn’t be the first time…