Thoughts from the West Texas observatory (and Shreveport)- Vandy

It was the first I’d actually watch watched with my Dad in a long time and it was in the lobby of the Shreveport Holiday Inn Express. I didn’t make it in time for the first quarter. Dad went Jim Fyffe for me on the phone. The opening drive, it was glorious. And fun. And powerfully Auburn. Dad was having fun, I was having fun letting him have fun, I was playing Stan White, color-commentating off Dad’s reports, I do good impressions. My wife rolled her eyes, but she was having fun. The glorious kid was having fun. I stepped on the gas. We were back in the technically south, just crossed into Louisiana, humidity, pine trees, hallelujah. Let’s get some food and enjoy this last night together, War Eagle, baby. Then my ear went wet with bile – they stopped us on the one. Wetter still when Foot Lauderdale broke up with me after the Fannin TD. Ominous. Gloominous. We stopped them on the one on their last drive in ’93? They stopped us on the one on our first drive 15 years later? 13 to nothing? Friends, I knew we were in trouble.

You will never find a more optimistic Auburn fan than the me that I am. The glass is half-full when there is no damn glass. The glass has been shattered by my Jericholoosa-tuned trumpet. On my faith alone, the Auburn Guard marcheth into the orgasm of hail-mary immortality.

And so it was with fear that I diagrammed the new feeling that logged into me as Vandy’s final punt was downed on the whatever. And it was with loathing that I named it “doubt.”

I mean, I pushed. I strained. I wanted it. I wanted to believe. But I looked into my Dad’s eyes and they said no. They said ‘are you kidding?’ They said, ‘backed up on our goal line? This team? It’s over.’

He was right. And it seemed, please Lord, help me understand, fated. The mugshot of their backup? He looked like a decent person – the perfect anti-example to Hattiesburg Macaulay, who I knew we’d beat – and I hate playing against decent people.

Before the game, I tried hard to ignore the potential irony of watching it in Shreveport. Knock on wood. Afterward, I was overwhelmed by the irony of my thinking that watching it in Shreveport was ever ironic. Because not even the Petro-Sun would want a team so tragic.

Given the context, the loss – the disease – we saw Saturday night was possibly the most debilitating in recent Auburn history. It was shockingly upsetting. Even in our palsied unsubstantiality, we, Auburn, the eternal Davids of the echoing green, were cast by ESPN as a greedy, corporate Goliath coming to rape and pollute the recovery of poor, populist, once-comatose Vandy. And per Bristol talking points, the Commodores went green on our ass – to the tune of a single extra-point off the uprights. Everyone clapped and signed the petition and felt good about themselves at our expense.

My post-loss habits typically involve a deep breath, a shake of the head, another deep breath, a stretch, and a moving on. Upon the interception, it was head to hands, face down, glasses off. I didn’t feel a lump in my throat but I thought, for the splittest second, I might. It wasn’t because it was a loss. It wasn’t because it was to a lesser team. It wasn’t because it was to Vandy, Saturday night’s bizarro-Auburn… (I mean they threw, they ran, the black quarterback takes himself out of the game for the white hero hurdler to come in and save the day. Freaky)…

It was because, like you, I’d never seen us look so bad.

You can tell I’m struggling here. It’s taken till Wednesday to get around to this. And it’s not very good. I think I could have taken the entire week off, actually. There’s the pain, but there’s also the endless maze of theories and attitudes to process, to approve, and I just don’t have the time. (Chris Shelling Jr.’s is drugs – drugs and Franklin. “He’s just disheveled. Have you seen that hair?” No, I said, he’s just laid back, such a nice guy, I mean, that one time I met him in practice, he so took his time with me, you know? He would have gone to Mellow Mushroom with me or something, you know? Spent the whole day with me. “Yeah, and that day probably would have ended in Meth.”)

Personally, I think that for whatever sad, unintended reasons, it has something very much to do with the scenario divined by the refreshingly unpretentious brain trust behind Smart Football, one already linked into orbit by better and more diligent bloggers than me … (superb, Jerry…)

At least the fallout has dampened the kindling of our quarterback fire – noticeably absent in The Wake, at least to me, at least in the blAUgosphere, is the premature apotheosis of Burns and the Todd-aimed bitching – but our coaches seem to be tapping dysfunction straight from the vein.

Despite Tuberville’s makes-sense insistence that the spread could beat back the pimps of Sabanism come signing day, the offensive woes of 2008 seem almost karmic, a seek-ye-first punishment for what we all (not so) secretly feared to be a season-too-soon bailing on Borges. Meanwhile, nice guy Al roams our nostalgia in Auburn pajamas, probably just as crushed as we are.

My one comfort since the drive back through the martian crags of West Texas has been to isolate and objectiy the pain, philosophic like, for what it is. Doing so brings visions: six points to LSU, one point to Vandy. A touchdown… we’re a touchdown away from 6-0… a touchdown away from 6-0 playing like this. And yet we’re in a new strain of apocalypse… it’s fascinating… it’s 2004.

I’ve got to wind things down.

The Arkansas game promises to be epic in the narrative of the Auburn Oh-Thousands. I hope we destroy them, leave none alive.

May the ravens that feed us in this time of crisis unveil a 7th bloated corpse on the 29th of Novemeber.

2nd Corinthians 12:10.

God be with you. War Eagle. Believe.

Thom Gossom’s “As I See It” — Tennessee edition

Remember Jason Campbell? Yes! Did you see him this past Sunday handle the Dallas Cowboys, arguably the best team in the NFL? According to the television announcers, Jason, is rapidly becoming one of the NFL’s best young quarterbacks. Why? Coaches have gotten him to adjust his throwing motion. Also according to his coaches, Jason is incredibly bright and is a team player. There’s more. According to an analysis by the NFL announcer on the Washington-Dallas game, “When the quarterback has the confidence of the play caller, it’s amazing how well he can perform.”

Flashback a few years to Campbell as an Auburn sophomore and junior quarterback trying to learn the game. The news reports then, were that Campbell was an erratic passer and couldn’t learn the system. Every mistake he made was magnified. Before long he was battling his competition some guy named Daniel Cobb, and his own self-doubts. It didn’t matter that he had a different offensive coordinator each year. The doubts were created by continual punishment and demotions for every mistake and by not giving him the opportunity to work through his mistakes.

Now, flash forward to Kodi Burns, Chris Todd and the Auburn offense of today. Auburn has scored three offensive touchdowns in the last three games. Two of those games, Kodi Burns didn’t even play. One, LSU, was a close loss where perhaps Burns could have made a difference. The offensive woes (one offensive touchdown) continued against Tennessee this past weekend. Because they get paid big money, I’ll use the words of the analysts on the nationally broadcast Auburn-Tennessee game. On several occasions, the announcers pointed out that the offense was not clicking because Todd is not a runner and because he is injured, his arm is not strong.

“He lobs the ball, shotputs it,” one said.

“You can’t lob the ball down the middle,” countered the other.”

The polite criticism went on.

“If he’s hurt why is he in there?”

“Todd is really struggling.”

“Auburn is having trouble running without Burns.”

“You can’t be a little bit in the spread, It’s like being a little bit pregnant. You can’t hide the quarterback.”

“There are murmurs of discontent.”(referring to the crowd).

“To say it (the offense) is a work in progress is a little bit obvious.”

“It won’t work.”

When Kodi Burns was finally inserted into the game, there was a cheer from the Auburn crowd. A short drive, two missed passes and a missed field goal resulted in excitement from the crowd and the team but no points.

Later Burns was again substituted for Todd to the delight of the crowd. However, the three meaningless plays that were called for Burns did not use his ability. The analyst also picked up on this; ”Kodi Burns was very upset when he came out of the game. Burns seemed to say, ‘If you’re gonna let me play quarterback, let me play quarterback.’

With a final chance to prove himself, Burns did just that by throwing on the run to clinch the first down that sealed the victory. It was not a homerun play but it was a game winner and a play Todd could not have made.

When Auburn decided to go to the spread, the excitement among the Auburn faithful was off the charts. With an offense that was advertised as no huddle, speed against the play clock so as to run more plays, wearing down defenses, scoring in the second and fourth quarters, full of trickery, blah, blah, blah.

But, as of Monday morning we’re back to the same old, same old. Todd has been named the starter for Auburn’s next game against Vanderbilt. I have nothing against Chris Todd. I think he’s being put into a no win situation. He’s not playing well. If he’s injured he shouldn’t be starting. And it’s obvious right now to fans and television announcers that he’s playing in front of a guy who is better than he is. The quarterback position was supposedly so close you could flip a coin. But after starting the first game, and getting injured, Burns is now a distant second in the competition.

Auburn has a good team that could be special and exciting. The rock solid defense has proven on every Saturday but one this fall that it can withstand some offensive mistakes and still come out with a victory. That said; why not go with the guy with the most ability. He learns, gets better, becomes a better passer, and maybe the offense lives up to its promise. Makes sense to me.

Is it personal that Kodi Burns does not play more? Go figure.

Thom’s book Walk-On, My Reluctant Journey to Integration at Auburn University, is available in Borders and Walden bookstores, J&M Bookstore and at walkongossom.com

Thoughts from the West Texas observatory – LSU

(photo by the Incredible Scott Fillmer)

I thought we had it. I would have wanted an extra minute for the last drive, but even then I thought we had them right where we wanted them. Tuberville did to. And when, who was it — Rod Smith? — caught the 4th down throw off another great Todd scramble, things still made sense. But then, the yellow line appeareth and behold, it was short, sigh, damn, over. War Eagle.

There were good omens, though. The pre-game context, of course… the shot of the bouncy blond cheerleader celebrating our first sack, Nova, the rapture-esque (thank you Kenny) decibels a la Florida ’06, the pick six before half, the fact that we seemed to always slay defending national champs. But I suppose there were also bad omens. I don’t really buy into the Corso curse, but if you do, then that’s bad. Kudos to the priory of Aubie for again denying him access to the sacred head. Matthew 7:6.

(photo by Scott Fillmer)

Also, what the h, Todd’s Taste of the Town? By no means do I fault the Creole Shack for doing their thing out there on Shug Jordan, I’ve never been there, but I mean, awesome, I’m all about it. But I can’t believe that ESPN would be so desperate for the easy copy, the easy irony. Well I can believe it, I’m just surprised they actually did it. Last year it was Byron’s, which is fine, great,  but the cajun place in Auburn? It’d be like highlighting Tuscaloosa’s little-known Punt, Bama, Punt Cafe when Auburn’s nailing the Tide this year. Can we not just go to Toomer’s? Sure they showed clips like everyone always does, but hell’s bells Todd, that’s your money maker right there. Do the history! Oh it’s so awesome, oh Jesus sold it as a kid, play it up like that, say it’s good enough to be a meal, thick historical cream! It’s Esquire Magazine’s #1 reason it’s great to be an American male, for cryin’ out loud! Or Lord, maybe just the Supper Club or something. Geez.

And while we’re at it, the entire broadcast sucked, an unending stream of faux pas, inaccuracy, and Holly Rowe, who I think I once liked, I can’t remember. But she kicked things off with an odd scolding of the Jordan-Hare crowd for being too loud when Auburn was offense, actually saying “They should know better,” and it was all downhill from there.

I think some guys that should know better are Mike and Todd. I barely know the game of football, but I was correcting those men the whole night. No, that was Auburn, not LSU. No that was LSU, not Auburn. Half the time they wouldn’t even catch or correct themselves. They were projecting make-believe penalties (against Auburn) onto plays, mocking the dyslexic, odd comments left and right. But none so odd as Holly’s commentary on the much-commented on condition of LSU quarterback Andrew Hatch after an educational decleating by Jeraud Powers. Hatch did not know where he was. He was slapping himself, shaking, collapsing, drunk.

“No, I know he doesn’t drink guys… because he’s Mormon.”

So, though I pray he recovers, I have to say that the demormonizing of an LSU quarterback — the thought of their cocky, horrible fans watching their Harvard man act a stumblebum after just your average Auburn hit — was one of last night’s highlights.

Others were Robert Dunn, Sen’Derrick Marks, and — beat me, whip me, call me Helen — Chris Todd. Sure, far from perfect, but good, especially in contrast to the previous weeks. He stood in there, he made big plays. We could have used a little Kodi here and there, but for that game last night, that environment, solo Kodi wouldn’t have gotten as close to what solo Chris almost could’ve, would’ve, maybe even should’ve pulled off. But again, together? Tag team? I think it works. Just put some thought into it.

But the worst omen of all? My theory is The Pants. We’ve heard nothing so far – no name, no figure (I guessed at least $5,000), but on Friday night, there was a transfer of power, a transfer perhap never intended. Pat Dye’s pants, his pants from the 1980s, were sold to the highest bidder. Perhaps they fell into the wrong hands. I’m not going to fault Coach for dropping trou on that wet, holy, windy day dead in the heart of his professional stride. God knows…  he did what he had to do. And it was beautiful. But though I went numb for several seconds from the thrill of the story of their recovery, perhaps, like the Ark of the Covenant, The Pants are imbued with a power beyond our ken, our worth and again, our morality. Earthquakes, fires, hurricanes, The Pants. Perhaps they should still be with the catfish.

Sure, there’s a lot to work on, more on that later. But there’s a lot be proud of, that’s enough for now. It’ll be another one of those seasons, one of those It’s great to be an Auburn Tiger seasons. Let’s Hang Tenn, let’s put Georgia back in their place, and let’s BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF BAMA.

Shall we?

For the conspiracy theorists…

Jimbo went snooping after practice yesterday. He found this (handmade) card inside Chris Todd’s locker. I didn’t want to believe it either.

By Jimbo

(with apologies to PowerOfDixieland at Track’em Tigers)

Thoughts from the West Texas observatory – Mississippi State

Angelina woke up in her Auburn shirt this morning, how ’bout you?

In some ways, it was the most beautiful game I’ve ever seen.  I sweat, I shout, I twist, I pout, I fall in love with every single one of those guys and in my eyes they do no wrong. They are covered in the blood of unconditional grace.  And they win. They dominated the game across the board.

There’s this mysterious little blog, Grotus’ Acorn, that thusly described Auburn’s defense in the bloodied wake of the ULM game (now surely the second weirdest game he’s ever seen):

Would-be skill players beware: the Auburn defense is an unending chain of demons whose only joy in life is the ruin of dreams, a bottomless pit of ravenous beasts, ever thirsting for the precious liquor they will wring from your soul. God help the soon-to-be-Croyle’d quarterback dumb enough to take a snap across from their eager maw. Mothers: send your sons to Auburn or teach them to play soccer. Your love demands no less.

After last night, I don’t even think the soccer fields are safe. Mothers: send your sons to Auburn or kill them in their sleep. Because 1988, yeah, ’88 was awesome. But holy mother of pearl, 2008? Ubermenchen, all of them. This is Fifty-Sevenian… Mongolian hordes… beyond your dreams, beyond your nightmares, beyond your morality.

Last night’s only text message? Right at the end, from my brother:

Paul Rhoads is my hero.

Muschamp who?

Sure, there’ll always be a soft-spot, but Texas can have the antics, I’ll take Lonesome Rhoads any day.

As for the offense, I hold fast to a promise made with laid-back smiles and statistics: that we ain’t seen nothing yet. Say what you will — yes, we fumbled… yes, of course Kodi should have been called out in the red zone, just like last year. But this notion (based more on the erratic method of production and high, unmet expectations) that we’ve completely stroked out on offense is nonsense (thankfully I’m not alone on that). Not good enough to win in the SEC? No offense (yes!), Col. Angus – we just did win in the SEC. We won our first SEC game, we won it at night, on the road, with Chris Todd at the helm every single play. And I don’t know much, but I do know that I finally saw hints of the vaunted arm Tony Franklin pined for this spring. It was an awkard cannon, maybe more of a catapult, or maybe a slingshot, it was weird, but it got the ball far and fast and where it needed to go, when it needed to go.

God knows I love Kodi. But though this’ll sound crazy, I promise it’s true: Chris Todd is, true story, an Auburn Tiger. Yes, we’d never heard of him. Yes, big time out-of-towner. Yes, his signing had a nepostic whiff. But no, he and Tony Franklin aren’t related, they’re not lovers, they’re not anything but a player and a coach who, heaven forbid, believes in him. So aim some sunshine at this cloud of suspicion. He’s our main man right now. Get to know him, something about him (like that his Dad coaches high school ball and is going to burn $2,000 in gas just to see Chris play this year). Read between the lines. Welcome him. It’s Hey Day. War Eagle, Chris.

It’s the damn novelty of the score, not the full-context reality of the game, that’s got everybody so pissed off, so dreading the Nelson laugh. Screw Nelson. Nelson’s offense only managed 172 yards against Tulane. Nelson is a tool.

No doubt brothers, it was a frustrating game.

But if you’re wringing those hands, keep them away from me. If you’re bashful, you’re a liar. You’re not a fan. You’re a spectator. I’m fine with (a little) critique, I’m not fine with fear. Real Auburn family: make your way to the front and raise your swords.

(Jerry, rush down there. Pedal to the medal (!), speed, don’t stop, pee in a bottle. You get those Michigan friends to the Loveliest Village post haste and you scream and believe and show them what being a fan is about, don’t worry about a thing. And drink a coke for me.)

I think to this point last year. 1 and 3. I’d gone to the game with my neighbor, an elderly gentleman. We sat in the steam. It was in the Mississippi State section. And we somehow watched Auburn lose. We watched Mississippi State fans, poor Mississippi State fans, not even know how to process victory, we watched them leave the game when they were winning because they still expected to lose, which they should have.

And now, here we are at 3-0. The score should have been 21-0. At least. But it was 3-2. That’s awesome. How many times do you see that, you 21st Century brats? At this point last year, in the disorienting wake of sorrowful loss, I was writing things like:

There are guts strewn about the Jordan-Hare of our hearts, the field sopped with tears and fluids. The rest of Auburn’s season is wide open, a grand canyon of sheer terror.

I like the odds.

And then I was predicting a win against Florida, defending (one loss – to us)- Nat’l Champs. Ask the Heisman Trophy how that one turned out.

Hope and rebellion – that’s what Auburn does. And other than the temporary mangling of Lester — hallelujah he’s OK — I think I loved every second of it.

Auburn – 49

LSU – 0

Thoughts from the West Texas observatory – Southern Miss

OK I tried, it didn’t work, this is how I have to write about things out here, at least if I want to feel whole.

10:00 am, we went to Lowes for a grill, thought we had plenty of time. The young’n freaked out when we tried to extract her from an empty cashier station — she loves pretending she’s a cashier. The real cashier, a nice old lady, talked to a nice old man, or rather hit on a nice old man (in overalls), who had already been rung up… well, she talked to him for, kid you not, 10 solid minutes, folding his receipt over and over as if she were still helping him. He was a widower and a farmer and well, she’s working at Lowes, so sparks were flying. “Oh you’re kiddin’, well, I grew up not far from there…” But I couldn’t appreciate the sparks.  I stood there, we all stood there, with quiet, urgent rage, the time ticking away. But you know, I’ll tell ya’ — the rage was tempered with an almost-respect for an ambivalence towards natural cashier-customer law and sheer common decency that would put the best performance of any Sat. night Lee County Wal-Marter to shame. I leaned over to my wife and whispered, “we’ve just witnessed something powerful.”

After a stop at the grocery store for the burgers and chips, we had five minutes before kickoff. Again, the cellphone. Thanks to my Dad, I again listened to Spirit (I’m all about Spirit, I’m about all of ’em, don’t get me wrong, and a lot of the great ’70s logo designs, some of my favorites, feature a bald eagle, but I much prefer the more historically virile golden eagle, USM notwithstanding) soar, apparently, forever. He’s still flying. I dropped my phone, it scattered in the parking lot, I picked it up and still, I heard “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr…..”

This began the text messages, this week delivered most promptly by Kenny Smith:

K: Spirit makes an awesome flight over Jordan-Hare

J: Yeah, my Dad held up the phone, sounded epic, WDE

K: Flew from Sec 110. Circled forever. Thought she was flying away. I can has video.

But I’ll tell ya’, I watched the game yesterday in the same manner a single mother of four watches an instructional video, one she hopes will improve her life, while cooking dinner for the kids – lots of pausing, lots of squinting, trying to not get overwhelmed, satisfied at the end of the day.

The grille took forever to put together, and we were determined to watch while we ate, for some reason, for some reason. So I just paused it. And paused it and paused it. Then the internet guy came over to finally install things, Texas Tech shirt on. And the grille, it kept coming. And my Dad, he kept calling, finally getting a bit short, as I kept responding “how about what? I told you Dad, we’re still trying to… ”

Click.

Then he called back. “Well, there goes your boy… ”

“What do you mean, who?”

“Tristan. He’s hurt.”

By the time we finished the grille and cooked the food, it was the 4th quarter. I knew we were winning so it was OK, I’d see it all, but that was some joyless grilling friends… Thinking that The Theory of TD was simply and forever cursed to unfalsifiable realms of medical redshirts and injury reports and Coulda Been? My spatula took no pleasure.

Things worked themselves out though. All is well. Tristan bounced back and as far as the outcome, I’m sorry, but for all the talk about fight in him and all that, I knew, as soon as I saw that face, there was no way we could lose to a team with this guy at the healm. Look at all the Anthony Michael Hall brat up in him, that’s what I say. Or wait — Anthony Michael Hall and Macaulay Culkin. These were the kinds of kids I hated growing up, it was like they just couldn’t help it. And Austin? It’s like how I knew we’d never lose to a kid named Brodie, or John Parker.

And just when I start feeling bad about my theories on nomino-facial determinism, Jerry says, “don’t.”

Yeah, sorry Austin, even with all this talk of not giving up, and our B- performance, score should have been 48-0.

Now, if Tulane was your team, yeah, then you could talk. Because Tulane… Tulane… owned Alabama. Alabama didn’t win, Tulane lost. I watched it, most of it, GamePlan, it was beautiful. And such an objective broadcast team! Chris Stewart, Tyler Watts, Barry Krauss, roll tide! (How pathetic is it that Saban had to ice Tulane’s kicker Urban Meyer style … in the second quarter.) SJPW was bruised and bruised, the fans booed, Alabama football, it’s really fun to watch, but it goes by so fast when they play at home, especially in the 4th quarter with a Conference USA Team on their heels. Those new clock rules, I guess — like only stopping it after an incomplete pass, or someone has run out of bounds, after three, four, heck, even five extra seconds have ticked off. Maybe it’s me, but it just felt like Alabama was trying to send another early warning to the SEC: Learn to play a 55 minute game if you’re gunning for a come back in Bryant-Denny.

A quick final note about the Auburn game: Jerry seems keen on using the comment thread at the Goldmine as a for-conversation’s-sake gauge of fan sentiment and there was some sulky dissatisfaction earlier regarding Chris Todd’s status as starter… the kid has to be playing with a chip on his shoulder, however small, for the virtual pre-season silence on his potential (though I suppose such is the lot for an unknown out of state transfer) and this week he controlled the ball and did what he needed to do and came up with decent numbers. The falling, underhand thing? I dig it, we all did.  The limited practice time last week due to le gash is what kept Kodi from starting this week. But since it did, and since he looked less than spectacular (minus the touchdown run) in the time he saw Saturday, and since Chris did what he needed to do, than yeah, why not, Todd is the starter. Sure, I didn’t see much zip in his throws, except when he was pegging a screen pass into the dirt… but again, “starter”? Total semantics. Both will play. Both will help Auburn win.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “The Gold Mine – al.com“, posted with vodpod

But let me tell you — folks out here remember Todd. I walked into the last store on the infamous strip on the outskirt of town — a state fair of booze — during the Bama game halftime, had on an Auburn shirt, an Auburn hat, the works, and the dude behind the counter, just like the guy in my office from the day before, goes, “Auburn fan, huh? How about Chris Todd?”

“Yeah, yeah, he did pretty good today.”

“He’s good, man.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

E-Mailed ULM Review from Chris Shelling, Jr.

I like reviews of last Saturday’s game just before the upcoming game. A reminder of what was and the changes the week has brought. (For example, the minor clamor for Kodi Burns to be named our starting QB in the immediate wake of the ULM game, is now at least (supposed to be) temporarily moot due to a pesky 7″ gash. Chris Todd will be starting against Southern Miss and, as Jerry noted, he might play the whole game!)

[And Leonard Postoties Smart Pill Prediction Time: I say Todd lights it up like Desert Storm. FWIW quote from Lubbockite coworker who fondly remembers Todd from his Texas Tech days: “Man, once Todd starts, that other kid won’t have a chance…”]

This brings me to Chris Shelling, Jr. I’ve mentioned him before. Chris Shelling, Jr. lives, for the time, in Japan. No one knows more about the game of football or the game of life. And he’s only 16, a child prodigy, or wunderkind, if you will. He’s teaching Japanese children English, also convincing them, through the magic of YouTube, that he played / plays (?) for the Auburn Tigers. If I were Japanese, I’d believe him, too.

He’s yet to write an official post for TWER, but he recently gave me permission to steal his lines and quote him without credit (didn’t you?).

Here is a portion of a recent e-mail he sent me following the ULM game. I hesitate to post it for some of the language — afterall, TWER is a family blog. Rather, it’s a blog that family men read, family men that might not hesitatate to click on a British girl in her Auburn-shirt and panties (not because “hey, it’s OK, we’re guys,” but because “hey, it’s OK, it’s Auburn.”) but who might feel bad about patronizing one of these… blogs, they call them… featuring gratuitous eff-bombs. But wait! you say. What the eff, you hypocrite! Ah, but the Thom Gossom story was, obviously, literature. That makes it OK. And I was mostly quoting (as I am here.)

And besides, CSJ is an artist and I respect the hell out of him. I respect his opinion.

Here it is (with only one word omitted, out of pure personal preference, and whatever, none of it’s really bad at all):

i got the espn gameplan online. its hot. hot hot. so after watching the game and the replay (twice) there is no doubt in my mind that a) we will be fine and b) burns needs to be the qb (with cox#2 uh i mean todd getting a few snaps). kodi has the ability to out of nowhere go rembrandt on that ass. did you see the non-touchdown to rod smith. he was running backwards. it was like michael jordan hitting a fadeaway. there were times i couldn’t tell if he was flustered and running because he didn’t know what to do or if he was like, ‘fuck it the recievers can’t catch so ima bust out mah fuck lion.’ either way it was awesome. but we do need to get better. i think we ran about 10 plays all game and showed almost nothing. its the auburn way. quoth the robert dunn:

“I know what plays we can run and what plays the coach could have been running. On the defense the middle of the field was wide open. Anyone could see that. Just throw a post and we score a touchdown every time.

“We really didn’t want to open up the playbook much,” he adds. “We were up. There’s no need to pile it on. You’ve got to have respect for the game. If you’re up 28-0 or 34-0 there’s no need to try to hail mary the ball. Things like that get players hurt. We just kept it basic and simple. I don’t feel like we have any struggles.”

oh and eric smith, neiko thorpe, and pybus looked good. if we can find some super fast midget running back to compliment smith for the next few years we will be tough to defend. hmmm…

Family Man warning, turn this down, especialy half way through. And when he says “weak ass” you don’t have to respond.

defense – jamaican fast and… strong. bynes may be better than blackmon. blackmon should be at olb with stevens. johnson and harden can backup everyone. do it willis.

What do y’all think?

***

A quick update: my new and very real, real job is currently keeping it quite difficult for me to post much of anything at the moment. But that’s like, so the bloggers badge of honor, n’est-ce pas? Still, ah, mmmm, so much to write about.

Good news, however, is that I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get the game this weekend. The Buffet Bowl. Watch. Sit. Scream.

War Eagle.

Thoughts from the West Texas observatory – La. Monroe

Anonymous Flickr Auburn Fan mocks my handicap…

By J. Henderson

I promise I’ll soon shut-up about my expatriate acclimation, but allow me to say that while running out to the new neighborhood grocery store with my young’n just before kickoff to buy the Fritos we forgot earlier at Wal-Mart, and hearing the Texas Tech game (they won big) playing over the intercom, but then having my Dad call, holding the phone up for me to hear the eagle fly, fly, fly, me trying to keep the phone on my shoulder while holding young’n’s hand in the check out line, and then hearing the tinny, apocalyptic “hell, yeah, hell, yeah dun, dun, dun, dun, dun”-style pre-pre-game video as she said “Look Daddy, Auburn colors” to the M&M’s I just poured out for her before we hopped back in the van, well, allow me to say that I almost broke down.

It was all XM last night. The first I saw of anything that happened yesterday on Pat Dye Field was this wee-hour morning, I was the 45th view of Plainsgmail’s YouTubed ESPN 40 sec. highlight clip.

Listen to Holtz gush over Robert Dunn (and James? Jane?) — do you think The Auburner got to him? (They did make this, right?)

And speaking of The Auburner, then I found their highlight video. And it made me very happy.

Amazing, and thank you.

But now, knowing that I only heard, knowing that I wasn’t sweating my way back home through the steamy kudzu shouts of victory up Bragg Ave. after the game (oh mercy), but thousands of miles away in a computer chair, allow me my thoughts on Week One.

I think it says something, a good something, that a first game 34-0 shutout of any team, even (or especially) one bearing the psychic “remember what they did to… what if… ” gravitas of this year’s La. Monroe (though I was the first to predict a loss almost literally impossible because of said gravitas) at first seemed so disappointing, inauspicious even.

However, from my pathetic vantage point I don’t there is as much cause for gloomish alarm regarding the offense as text messages from the front (thank you Russell) made out. I won’t run through the stats and such (but a little something interesting was Rod Bramblett’s comment that by scoring his touchdown, Robert Dunn broke the nation’s longest no-punt-return-for-TD drought, it was our first punt return for a touchdown since 1996, seems almost impossible — and while we’re on the subject of Dunn, though my dreamy “watch for this” regarding a Todd to Smith shuffle pass to the right for a touchdown almost seemed / sounded to come true at some point in the 3rd quarter, I say we go ahead and award Jerry the Leonard Postosties Smart Pill Award for the entire year for his just before kickoff prognostication:

4. Robert Dunn is going to break a punt return this year.

End parentheses)…

Here’s the obvious:

Tony Franklin is obviously to be taken seriously when he waxes strategic on his spread wearing down defenses as we obviously got better in the second half, thanks perhaps to the much improved performance of the offensive line possibly resulting from, as Will notes, and Quentin Riggins reported, a lively exhortation from Tony the Tiger … we obviously should get the ball to Fannin more (guaranteed and instant five yard gain from first point of contact with defender), Ben Tate is obviously awesome, Antonio Coleman will obviously, tragically kill a man before December, and Paul Rhoads should obviously be pleased — his first coached play as Auburn’s defensive coordinator resulted in a touchdown, the first point’s of ’08.

As for the quarterback situation, it’s obviously as I, and most everyone, suspected, and as the handwriting on the wall said all along — total Voltron-style.

I, for one, don’t think this is a bad thing. I never have. Perhaps I don’t know anything, not one thing, but I can’t help but think that as long as (or especially if) Chrodi Torns (or, if you prefer, Khrisodi Burn-Stodd) is fine with it, it’s actually a good thing. I don’t think the purported, and yeah, logical, psychological benefits of lone leaderdom negate the potential for similar benefits / results from a dual-threat tandem. Nor do I buy into the idea, batted around by Q and the gang early in last night’s radio broadcast, that the revolving doorness of it all might be the source of Chrodi Torns’ seemingly stymied grooves. That might fly if Burns and Todd were switching places on every down, but surely not every series — wouldn’t a QB’s specialized biorhythms simply interpret the extra breathers as a sustained drive by the other team or a long CBS-style TV timeout? In fact, as my man Stan White countered, the system, as implemented last night, might theoretically enhance said (said said said) biorhythms, infusing them with the dopamine of competition. Or something. I don’t know. I just don’t think the quarterback rotation had much of anything to do with the early, very ’07-style offensive ineffectuality. I think that’s mistaking a symptom for the cause. I just think that, instead of one first-time-starting quarterbacks struggling in a a season opener, we saw two.

I don’t think that will last long.

My continued hopes however, oh yes, they last, they go on… because if the loitering hurricanes, the new coordinators, and the new offensive system haven’t seemed familiar enough to flood your veins with pangs of the eternal pangs and dreams of ’04, please to enjoy not only Will’s great recap of yesterday (and Jerry’s too! great!), but his included recap of 2004’s season opener against… La. Monroe.

Disclaimer: this is not by any stretch a prediction. But. Four years ago, I wrote this about an Auburn opening against… LAMO:

On the one hand, you’ve got a workmanlike shutout of (let’s face it) one of the worst football teams in the country. To their great credit, Louisiana Monroe’s players didn’t show a lot of give-up on Saturday, but they also didn’t show a whole lot of ability. Auburn substituted all the way into the scout team by the fourth quarter, and the closest LA-MO ever got to scoring was a couple of missed field goals. On the other hand…

Look, it’s obvious that the AU coaches went into this game intending to show future opponents absolutely nothing of use, and it’s safe to say that they succeeded. “Vanilla” doesn’t begin to describe the blandness of the formations and plays displayed on Saturday. Try “tasteless and odorless,” or maybe “invisible.”

… With that understood, there are still worries. Either La-Mo’s defensive line has gotten a lot better since last October (entirely possible; they were big and quick, easily the best-looking athletes as a group that the Indians fielded), or Hugh Nall still has a lot of work to do up front. Run blocking was hit-and-miss (sometimes literally), and pass blocking was downright bad a lot of the time. And don’t get me started on the reappearance of last year’s bugaboo, the dreaded slanting defenders. More than once, a friend sitting nearby said, “It’s a good thing they suck, or we’d be in trouble.”

I would also be remiss if I didn’t admit that Jason Campbell’s play was not encouraging. Whether by habit, design, or just happenstance, Campbell is still locking in on his first guy and not seeing open receivers down the field, he’s throwing behind the receiver too often, and his two turnovers were flat-out awful, the kind of stuff you expect from a freshman, not a fifth-year senior.

Sounds kind of familiar, doesn’t it?

Now, once again–not a prediction, or anything remotely like it. I’m not expecting, anticipating, or even wildly dreaming about a 2004-ish run for this team. But it’s still comforting, in an odd and nostalgic kind of way, that the best Auburn season in recent history also started against LAMO, and not with a bang, but with a “What the–?”

Now, in other news, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Bama is back.

Spring Practice Report – 3.25.08

By J. Henderson

It’s spring. The mornings are freezing. We’re breathing.

Feels like football.

I had the pleasure of attending about half of yesterday morning’s practice, the first since returning from Spring Break. It looked like a practice with guys just returning from Spring Break. I can still hear the bark of Paul Rhoads. Mario Fannin walked by me in the hall, his arm in a sling. “Hey, man.”

With the exception of red zone skeleton drills, Tony Franklin said the offense “looked like crap” and took the blame.

“It was a poor job on my part gettin’em prepared to go out there.”

Franklin’s candor has moved beyond refreshing to almost exhilarating and his straightforward style is especially on when answering questions concerning the quarterback situation, which reporters seem eager to put to bed. Franklin just keeps feeding it candy.

One of the first questions asked: Will Kodi Burns be the first team quarterback for the A-Day game?

Though he later admitted that Burns has the potential to be the video game everyone dreamed him to be out of high school, Franklin didn’t just answer “no” – with that great accent of his, it was more like “neh-oh,” a slight twang of disgust.

“Right now, [Burns and Todd] are alternating with each other and they will keep doing that,” Franklin said. “There is no No. 1, or else there are two No. 1s, however you want to look at it, you know? I talked with all four quarterbacks and talked about what direction we’re going in, you know, it’s impossible to rep four guys. You can’t do it and be good.”

The only action Neil Caudle saw yesterday (at least from when I arrived) was signaling calls in from the sideline; Franklin, however, seems to think highly of him.

“Neil will be a great backup for them,” Franklin said. “He’s a great team guy, a great Auburn guy that wants to be here. He’ll do a great job as a backup. If one of them falters, he’ll be ready to step in and take his place.”

Tommy Trott, alone in the end zone. Franklin calld Trott “dynamic.”

He also said that, of the four quarterbacks, it was probably Caudle who best “verbalized” his vision for a play, but that under center, Todd currently possessed more of the particular clairvoyance necessary to make Franklin happy.

DeRon Furr on the other hand, despite his obvious physical talent, is a long way off. Or as Franklin put it, “a long, long, long, long, long, long way off.” That’s six longs.

“The big thing about playing quarterback is that, if you don’t know it when you step on the field, if you don’t have mental pictures of where everything is going to be and where it’s going to happen, you got no chance, none. And right now [Furr] doesn’t have any idea,” Franklin said.

“He’s a young kid. He’s going to be a good player. He’ll probably be a great player one day, but not tomorrow.”

Franklin is focused on today.

“The last few practices here, we are giving Chris and Kodi most of the reps and let’em work. If somebody emerges clear-cut a lot better than the other one, you may have one guy. But I don’t think that’s going to happen and I’ve told them I don’t think it is. I think they will go into the summer and will be competing against each other.”

When it came time for the reporters to turn their recorders on Paul Rhoads, Franklin said “now go talk to the guys who whipped our ass all day.”

Def. Coordinator Paul Rhoads congratulating the ass-whoopers.

(Click here to see all of my photos, a cutting edge collection that puts you right in the thick of things, it’ll feel like a Disney ride.)

Franklin, My Dear, The Recruits Give a Damn…

By J. Henderson

The promise of a Tony Franklin offense has already landed a new Auburn commitment.

Junior college quarterback Chris Todd, who was set to follow Franklin to Troy, said Sunday he would sign with the Tigers, a decision apparently predicated on Todd’s familiarity with Franklin’s specific version of the spread; according to Charles Goldberg, “Franklin was the offensive consultant to Todd’s high school when Todd was the quarterback.”

This is the very sort of thing that has Auburn fans as happy over Franklin’s potential recruiting prowess – as of Sept. 2005, 70 high schools (mostly southern) had participated in his coaching clinic – as his proven offensive dexterity, which is making me happier almost by the second.

Two salient, mouthwatering quotes on Frankin’s offensive scheme:

“If both teams have players who are equal in talent, this offense is impossible to stop.” – John Hannah, yes that one.

“We ran the exact same system in high school.” -Kodi “Future Boy” Burns

Now watch this with new, eager eyes…